Tag: Divorce

Should a Pastor Perform a Wedding for a Cohabiting Couple?

~ Evan Lenow ~ 2 Comments

There is a growing trend in contemporary American society related to living together before getting married. According to the 2010 census data from the US Census Bureau, there were 7.529 million opposite sex unmarried couple households.[1] The National Marriage Project based at the University of Virginia notes:

Between 1960 and 2009, the number of cohabiting couples in the United States increased more than fifteenfold. About a quarter of unmarried women age 25 to 39 are currently living with a partner, and an additional quarter have lived with a partner at some time in the past. More than 60 percent of first marriages are now preceded by living together, compared to virtually none 50 years ago. For many, cohabitation is a prelude to marriage. For others, it is simply better than living alone. For a small but growing number, it is considered an alternative to marriage.[2]

As a seminary professor who teaches a class on marriage and family, I try to prepare my students for that time in their ministry when someone asks them to perform a wedding ceremony. There are a number of questions we need to ask ourselves before agreeing to be a part of the ceremony. In fact, LifeWay Research released the results of a recent survey they performed on just this issue. The summary article can be found at Baptist Press and LifeWay’s Facts and Trends Online. The results are interesting and a little frightening.

The lead stat for the article relates to cohabitation before marriage. The study notes:

The survey of 1,000 randomly selected Protestant pastors found that a majority (58 percent) will perform weddings for couples they know are living together. Nearly a third (31 percent) will not, and 10 percent are not sure.

When it comes to cohabitating couples, pastors who consider themselves mainline are more likely to perform weddings then those who consider themselves evangelical.

In response to the question, “When asked to do so, will you perform a marriage ceremony for a couple whom you know is living together?” 68 percent of mainline pastors say yes compared with 57 percent of evangelicals. Twenty-four percent of mainline pastors and 34 percent of evangelicals say no.

A minister’s level of education also reveals differences in pastors’ willingness to perform marriage ceremonies for couples who are living together.

A full 62 percent of pastors with at least a master’s degree will marry cohabitating couples while only 52 percent of those with a bachelor’s degree or less will perform weddings for couples living together before marriage. Twenty-nine percent of pastors with at least a master’s degree will not perform such ceremonies compared with 36 percent of those with a bachelor’s degree or less.

To me, this statistic about the willingness of pastors to perform weddings for couples they know to be cohabiting is disturbing. If we set aside the biblical material that relates to cohabitation and just look at the sociological data, pastors should be reticent to perform such marriages.

The National Marriage Project notes that cohabitation is more common among those of lower educational levels, lower income levels, the less religious, “those who have been divorced, and those who have experienced parental divorce, fatherlessness, or high levels of marital discord during childhood.”[3] After noting all these demographic details, National Marriage Project states:

The belief that living together before marriage is a useful way “to find out whether you really get along,” and thus avoid a bad marriage and an eventual divorce, is now widespread among young people. But the available data on the effects of cohabitation fail to confirm this belief. In fact, a substantial body of evidence indicates that those who live together before marriage are more likely to break up after marriage.[4]

Even though the authors acknowledge that the evidence is somewhat controversial, Wilcox concludes, “What can be said for certain is that no research from the United States has yet been found that those who cohabit before marriage have stronger marriages than those who do not.”[5]

So why would a pastor perform a marriage for a cohabiting couple when the sociological evidence says that such couple are more likely to get divorced? I think the answer is societal pressure and a desire not to offend. Certainly Scripture is clear in its condemnation of fornication (a KJV-style word for a pre-marital sexual relationship). Fornication and fornicators (as well as adulterers) are described as evil, subject to judgment, and not heirs of the kingdom of God (Matt 15:19; Acts 15:20, 29; 1 Cor 6:9; Heb 13:4).

What should one do when encountering this situation? Here are a few suggestions. First, remember that cohabitation is not the unpardonable sin. After Paul gives a vice list in 1 Cor 6:9–10 that says certain people, including fornicators and adulterers, will not inherit the kingdom of God, he states, “Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God” (1 Cor 6:11). We need to work with these couples to help them confess and repent of this sin. Ideally, this confession and repentance should have a public element to it within the church. This does not necessarily mean that they air their dirty laundry before the church on Sunday morning, but it should at least include their families and those in their circle of influence who are aware of the situation. Depending on the church, it may also include the entire church body.

Second, I believe separation from the cohabiting relationship is in order prior to marriage. This involves all aspects of the relationship. If it means a woman moves back home with her parents, or a man moves in with some friends for a period of a few months, then so be it. If the couple is not willing to do this for the remainder of the time leading up to the marriage, then they are not interested in honoring God with their marriage.

Third, assuming that the couple has cooperated in the first two points, I believe the pastor must still examine his own convictions about marriage to determine whether or not he desires to place his “stamp of approval” on the wedding by performing the ceremony.

I believe our culture has become too focused on the wedding ceremony, and some pastors are fearful that they might alienate an influential family in the church if they do not fulfill the daughter’s wish for a “dream wedding.” Marriage is much more than a ceremony. It is a lifetime covenant established by God (Gen 2:22–24). It is time we focus on the marriage and not the ceremony, but the decision to perform the wedding is part of that process.

[1] U.S. Census Bureau, “America’s Families and Living Arrangements: 2010,” Table UC3. http://www.census.gov/population/www/socdemo/hh-fam/cps2010.html. These couples self-identified as unmarried partners.

[2] W. Bradford Wilcox, ed., “When Marriage Disappears: The New Middle America,” The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2010, 76.  http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/pdfs/Union_11_12_10.pdf.

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid., 76–77.

[5] Ibid., 77.

Robert George on Marriage

~ Evan Lenow

The New York legislature recently passed a law redefining the meaning of marriage in order to allow for “same-sex marriages” in the state. Robert George was interviewed by the National Review about the recent legislation. Here are a few excerpts.

The vote in New York to redefine marriage advances the cause of loosening norms of sexual ethics, and promoting as innocent — and even “liberating” — forms of sexual conduct that were traditionally regarded in the West and many other places as beneath the dignity of human beings as free and rational creatures.

Once one buys into the ideology of sexual liberalism, the reality that has traditionally been denominated as “marriage” loses all intelligibility. That is true whether one regards oneself politically as a liberal or a conservative. For people who have absorbed the central premises of sexual liberation (whether formally and explicitly, as liberals tend to do, or merely implicitly as those conservatives who have gone in for it tend to do), marriage simply cannot function as the central principle or standard of rectitude in sexual conduct, as it has in Western philosophy, theology, and law for centuries.

The institution of marriage has already been deeply wounded by divorce at nearly plague levels, widespread non-marital sexual cohabitation, and other damaging factors. To redefine it out of existence in law is to make it much more difficult to restore a sound understanding of marriage on which a healthy marriage culture can be rebuilt for the good of all. It is to sacrifice the needs of the poor, who are hurt the most when a sound public understanding of marriage and sexual morality collapses. It is to give up on the truth that children need both a father and mother, and benefit from the security of their love for each other.

Robert P. George is McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence and Director of the James Madison Program in American Ideals and Institutions at Princeton University. He has written and lectured extensively on various ethical issues, including marriage. He generally approaches issues from a Catholic natural law perspective. I am always intrigued to read what he has to say on cultural issues because he is a good thinker and very clear. I don’t always agree with him, but I agree way more often than I disagree.

You can read the full interview here.

Insuring Your Future…Against Divorce

~ Evan Lenow ~ 2 Comments

Time magazine recently published an article[1] (“Divorce Insurance: Get Unhitched, Get a Payout,” published September 19 online, September 13 in print) about a new service selling divorce insurance. The company, WedLock Divorce Insurance, opened for business on August 5 out of the financial despair of its founder, John Logan, after he lost his money in a divorce. On one hand, this is the American entrepreneurial spirit at work—recognize a need or a market, develop a product, sell a product to meet the need. On the other hand, this is a sad cultural commentary of the state of marriage in our culture.

When you visit the website of the insurance company, www.wedlockdivorceinsurance.com, it looks like any other insurance website with statements such as, “There’s no time like the present to think about your future.” It even has a place to request an online quote, read FAQ’s, and check your risk factors. It has the feel of going online to buy term life insurance and checking your health risks to see how likely it is that you will die before age 55 and how much money your family will need to survive once you are gone.

The most telling statement on the website is “Insure your marriage against divorce,” which is placed right above the link to request an online quote (email address required, but don’t worry, it is secure and confidential). In fact, the website even suggests that parents could confidentially buy divorce insurance for their child if they do not approve of their future son/daughter-in-law. However, does a financial investment in an insurance policy that pays out in the event of divorce really insure your marriage against divorce? I think Logan has it wrong.

There is no doubt that divorce is plaguing American society, and the church is not immune. The commonly cited statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce is true and not true. That figure comes from an annual snapshot of marriage and divorce for a given year. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, there were 6.8 marriages per 1,000 people in the United States in 2009 (for a total of approximately 2,077,000). There were also 3.4 divorces per 1,000 people for a divorce rate of 50% (up from 49.3% in 2008).[2] However, many of those divorces that took place in 2009 were from marriages that began in the years and decades prior.

A better statistic may be the one W. Bradford Wilcox offers in his study where he states, “The divorce rate fell from a historic high of 22.6 divorces per 1,000 married women in 1980 to 17.5 in 2007. In real terms, this means that slightly more than 40% of contemporary first marriages are likely to end in divorce, down from approximately 50% in 1980.”[3] The Barna Group’s research suggests that 33% of American adults who get married experience at least one divorce. Unfortunately, Barna sees no difference in the divorce rate among self-proclaimed born-again Christians.[4] Whether the divorce rate is 33%, 40%, or 50%, the numbers are not good. And the numbers are not good in the church either.

That brings us back to the question of how to insure against divorce. Logan suggests that taking out an insurance policy to protect yourself financially against the effects of divorce is the best way to go. Yet, he still has no answer for the problem of protecting yourself against the actual divorce taking place. This is where a better understanding of the biblical foundations of marriage comes into play. It is an understanding that is largely missing in our churches but that can be recovered.

Divorce does not begin with a realization one morning that you no longer love your spouse. In fact, it does not begin with a growing discontentment over a number of years that culminates in a visit at the attorney’s office. Instead, it begins with a misunderstanding of marriage in the first place.

In our Western culture (and increasingly throughout the world), we have come to view marriage as a contract. In this respect, people see marriage as a bi-lateral agreement between two individuals with certain obligations or expectations that are to be upheld by each individual. When one person in that “contract” no longer fulfills his/her obligations, the other party deems it as his/her right to terminate the contract. Even in today’s culture of “no-fault” divorce, the parties mutually agree that there is no longer any benefit to remaining married, and the contract is terminated. Then, most parties move forward to protect their own rights and property against the claims of the former spouse. This is exactly where divorce insurance comes into play.

One of the main problems with this understanding of marriage is that its durability depends upon the ability of sinners not to sin. If we recognize that all people are sinners and that we do not possess the natural ability to keep ourselves from sinning, then we have a serious problem. How can a contractual view of marriage keep us from calling for a divorce when we are wronged? The answer is that it cannot.

What is the solution? It is certainly more complicated than I can address right here, but it begins with changing our understanding of marriage. Marriage is more than a contract—it is a covenant. God created the institution of marriage in Genesis 2 when he presented the woman to Adam to be his wife. Right there, Adam made his public oath before God declaring that the woman was “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Gen 2:23 NASB). Scripture then proclaims, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (Gen 2:24).

Since marriage is a creation ordinance established by God, we must recognize that God has the right to set the parameters of marriage as well. Throughout Scripture, we see that God’s expectation for marriage is that it would be lifelong, and the only way we can live up to this expectation is if we make God an active part of our marriages.

Logan and others in the culture around us recognize the difficulty of maintaining a marriage over a lifetime. If the church is going to speak truth into our culture about the crisis in marriage, we must first look at what we say about marriage and how we live it out in our lives. If there is no difference in the divorce statistics among self-proclaimed Christians than the rest of the world, then we have not earned the right to speak to the culture.

We must first look inside and address the problems with our marriages amongst the members of the body of Christ, and then we can speak to the culture. And it begins with changing our perspective on what marriage is. It is not a contract that we can dissolve on a whim and protect with an insurance policy. Instead, it is a covenant established by God and intended to last a lifetime. Let’s take a closer look inside and then address the world around us.

[1] Luscombe, Belinda. “Divorce Insurance: Get Unhitched, Get a Payout.” Time (September 19, 2010). Online: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2015772,00.html.

[2] Tejada-Vera B, Sutton PD. “Births, marriages, divorces, and deaths: Provisional data for 2009.” National Vital Statistics Reports 58:25. Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics. 2010. Online: http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr58/nvsr58_25.pdf.

[3] Wilcox, W. Bradford. “The Evolution of Divorce.” National Affairs 1 (Fall 2009). Online: http://www.nationalaffairs.com/publications/detail/the-evolution-of-divorce.

[4] The Barna Group. “New Marriage and Divorce Statistics Released.” Online: http://www.barna.org/barna-update/article/15-familykids/42-new-marriage-and-divorce-statistics-released.